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Occasionally I'll stumble across and old photo of myself and become shocked, as if I'm looking at a photo of someone else. That girl has a perfect body! She's thin and beautiful. What pretty skin, pretty hair. She looks so happy! Only, I wasn't so happy back then. I had thought, as I do now, that I was a little too fat, too pale, that my breasts look saggy, my hands too big. Seeing the old picture showed me that I had been wrong. But why had I been so critical of myself then? It is upsetting to know that I'd had no realization or appeciation of my own beauty. That I could never see it, and that it would take 5 years to notice that I was beautiful once. Will I look back 5 years from today and feel this way again? Will I ever realize that I am beautiful "in the moment"? Right now? I have always been trying to measure up to the dancer next to me and comparing myself to the stars in the magazines. So busy hyper-analyzing and scutinizing myself for flaws that I didn't even notice that there were good things. Lot's of them, in fact! I always knew that men appreciated my nude form, but it was the other women who's standards I REALLY cared about. I always felt that my breasts were inadequate and ugly, because I was surrounded by girls with implants. Men consistently praised me for not getting implants, telling me that natural was better, but I never believed them. In fact, when I watched the extra footage from the film and saw myself dancing nude, the first and only thought that went through my mind was, "I should've had a boob job" and I felt embarrassed. For me, beauty has led me down some terrible roads. I have used it as an excuse not to work as hard as others. It has made me feel insecure about my intellectual capabilities. It has gotten me easy money, drugs and made me spoiled in many ways. I have learned to use my beauty to get what I want from men. I've had terrible relationships in which men only wanted me as a toy or a prize. I have lost a certain sense of trust in men, and some men do not trust me either. It has made me insecure and it has contributed to me having a low self-worth. And a deep seed of fear has been planted within me about what will happen to me when my looks are gone. Yet oddly, for some strange, twisted reason, no matter how much "ugliness" beauty has brought to my life, whether real or imagined, I would not give it back for anything. There is a rush when I walk down the street and a group of men stops what they are doing to gaze at me as I pass by. I walk a tiny bit slower for them and run my fingers through my hair. I know what they are thinking... "She's beautiful". It is those fleeting moments that make it all worthwhile.
I really wish I could have made it to see the film, but I did send a few friends to represent me and watch the film. (They loved it, by the way).
Not to judge Evonne, as I don't know her, but it really disturbs me to read her post. I have no regrets that as far as a beauty I am a 'has-been.' Like Evonne, I didn't realize how i looked when I was younger until I thumbed through some old pictures of my pageant days. THat's okay. I'm glad I never took it seriously.
After reading Evonne's post, I am thankful that I had a mother that taught me that inner beauty is so much more important and the only true thing you can rely on. While it is fun to get up every morning and 'play' in makeup and do my hair (I jokingly call myself Tammy Faye Baker the second), it is strictly that - just fun.
As women, we should be spending an equal amount of time on our hearts and minds as we do our physical appearance. At the end of the day, your friends, family, even strangers will remember how you treated them over how great you looked.
While I may be an aging beauty queen, there are no regrets. I still blush when my husband of 27 years tells me i am beautiful, but I enjoy hearing 'you're the sweetest woman i've ever met' over 'you're the most beautiful any day.' In the end, the being sweet is what really matters. And all I really care about.
The best compliment I received from my friends who went to the screening was that I was the most 'boring' of all your subjects. Ha - there are worse things to be. Kathie Truitt Mrs. Missouri 1996
Wow, Kathie - you weren't the most boring! Yes, the "tragic" beauties had the longest most interesting stories. It's like the news - good news is boring. So yes, in a way you were boring, but your story was interesting anyway. :)
"There is a rush when I walk down the street and a group of men stops what they are doing to gaze at me as I pass by. I walk a tiny bit slower for them and run my fingers through my hair."
I'm sorry, and this is probably a rotten thing to say, but groups of men stop what they are doing to gaze and whistle at not-so-beautiful women, too.
Being a non-beautiful woman, I know for a fact that this is true.
What's interesting is the viewpoint of the woman being gazed at. Evonne says it makes it all worthwhile, I say it's an annoyance and an intrusion. Maybe because she has more confidence than I, I don't know. Maybe it's just because we're different people with different perspective.
I'd be more likely to flick them the finger than I would be to run my fingers through my hair.
I can't wait to see the film, to be honest. I got to see small bits of it being filmed and it was one of the more intriguing moments of my life.
Non-beautiful women have no idea of what it's like on the "other side." Getting even the small glimpse that I did was both eye-opening and entertaining.
I will shut up now before Evonne is sorry she linked me. :)
After reading Kathie's post, and taking a few days to digest it I felt the need to respond to her comments. I don't know how she could make much of an accurate assessment about any part of the film without actually seeing it and knowing the full story of each subject. For example, her comment, "After reading Evonne's post, I am thankful that I had a mother that taught me that inner beauty is so much more important and the only true thing you can rely on" was insulting not only towards me but was a slap in the face to my mother, who is my best friend, my rock, and perhaps the only one person in my life that HAS shown me that I am so much more than a pretty face. In the film, Kathie portrayed herself as a woman who could barely leave the house to go to the mailbox without a complete face full of make-up and who had been that way for many years. Her "story" was the fact that she actually stripped off her make-up and (gasp!) went out in public! Yet in her post she flip flops and jokes about being "Tammy Faye Baker the second" and claims all the make-up is "strictly" fun and play. In the film she was shocked when a few people didn't even notice that she had no make-up on. I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just not buying Kathie's polished to perfection, glossy veneer. When told she's beautiful, she claims she's "uncomfortable", yet in her one-paragraph post alone, she brings up the fact that she was a beauty queen three times, even signing her name as Mrs. Missouri 1996 (not to be confused with the "Miss America" organization). I think people would find it silly if I signed my name as Evonne Burns, Miss Hardbody 1990. The reason people found my story compelling is that I was completely, 100% brutally honest. I held nothing back and I didn't worry about what people might think of me even though the truth is not so nice. I can admit what I am. It is quite obvious to me that beauty is extremely important to Kathie whether she is willing to admit it or not. While her rhetoric of what the world should be..."As women, we should be spending an equal amount of time on our hearts and minds as we do our physical appearance..." is certainly noble, I think a pageant queen knows just as well as I do how totally unrealistic that is.
oh wow - can't wait to see this film. i can relate - people tell me i am beautiful and that's not what i see in the mirror. sometimes women in my office seem to hate me for no particular reason that i can think of. i wonder if it's because i'm pretty. it's hard to say. that's what makes it frustrating. and to suggest such a thing would make me "conceited" so i don't like to confide in anyone.
Evonne, I am so sorry. I most certainly did not mean to insult you and definitely not your mother. And actually, if you'll go back and look at my post you'll notice that I only refer to being a beauty queen once - when I signed my name. And that's only so whoever saw the movie and is reading the post will be able to put 2 and 2 together and know which one I am. I
My point was that I consider myself a 'has-been' beauty, not a has-been beauty queen. Meaning that I am starting to see the effects of time and Mother Nature and I am okay with that. As a matter of fact, I like me better as I get older.
It's been 3/4 years since this movie was made - when you're in your mid-40's that's a long time. So, honestly, Evonne, I look even 'worse' now than I did then. And that's OKAY with me. You won't see this girl going out to have face lift/plastic surgery - not that there is anything wrong with that.
I no way meant to offend you and once again I apologize for so doing so.
I do however, stand by my feelings and statement of the fact that I'd much rather hear how 'nice' or 'sweet' I am rather than how I look.
For me personally - that is the most important thing.
I saw the movie, and what I found pleasant to hear and see is that some women who had open and pleasant faces but were not deadly beautiful evaluated themselves as beautiful.
Second, the beauty issue is a problem, for all women, even if they are "average" or plain, and a terrible issue for women who are unattractive IN GENERAL. (Please read the last paragraph). .
We do notice attractive people, and we do evaluate ourselves compared to them.
Of course, women tend to do it more, as we all know, but I am sure men also have a beauty issue (size of the penis, muscles, width of shoulders ect) but they are more secretive about these kind of things because they are not supposed to care.
In the street, the most beautiful women (and men) are noticed, we know. I have always been surprised that it does not seem to annoy many beautiful women, quite the contrary.
For average looking women, being intensely looked at is often a burden.
There are cases where the verage looking woman experiences the same thing as the beautiful one. For instance, in a party, you know if you are the most attractive : you just look at men's behaviour. There is also the case where the average looking woman is considered the most attractive beacause she is the youngest. In that case, she has the same kick which is mixed with an unpleasant interrogation : are they attracted to me because of what I am or just because I am more attractive or younger.
Agressivity against the beautiful girl : I have personally never been a witness of such a thing. If women are friendly it seems to me that there is no problem. Of course if you are beautiful, and on top of it your are more educated, some ugly things can happen. It can also happen if you are no so good looking but educated and not too nice with other women or if the women are really agressive, because of the set up. There can be some class issues which add up..
The reverse story exists too : some beautiful women are not very friendly to their coworkers (women), can look down on them and do not want to associate with women they consider as ugly ducks. Some beautiful women prefer surrounded by men. So things are not black and white and not simple at all.
In many social and economical contexts, beautiful women are advantaged. Nancy Huston, for instance, did acknowledge that beauty opens doors. And the fact that beautiful women have always used their asset to climb up the social ladder is not a novelty and has been observed and discussed for centuries.
Of course, beautiful women who did climb up the social ladder did not rely on their looks only, They were clever, and sometimes cold and hard, or very diplomatic. But nevertheless, this is not what we can call a surprise and not at all a lie. ANd yes, some jealousy is to be expected, as for any other kind of "birth privilege", as a woman says it in the film, whether it is beauty, money or networks or "the best private school".
In the public sphere, especially in business and politics, you need to be really brave to dare to speak in front of a crown composed mostly of men if you are not so beautiful : at the slightest mistake, some men will pass a comment on your ugliness. You have to be supertough, very very proud of yourself or have lots of humour.
Finally to provide some comfort here, I will say that kids who are raised by parents who know how to express joy, who smile, who are energetic, who do not show bored faces constantly to their children, who can be playful, can become adults who are quite happy about themselves, and about their bodies, even if they are not so beautiful.
SORRY FOR THE WORDING : ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.
